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Mission Not Accomplished 
23rd-Aug-2008 10:22 am
My neighborhood seems to have become infested with missionaries.

A couple of weekends ago, I answered the doorbell to what turned out to be a couple of guys from the local Vietnamese Catholic church. They were obviously a bit flustered to discover that I wasn't Asian, and beat a relieved and dignified retreat when I informed them that I wasn't Catholic either.

15 minutes ago, there was a knock at the door. I wasn't going to answer it, but a look through the peephole revealed a man, a woman, and a baby in a stroller. "Aw, go on," said the good angel on my shoulder. "Who solicits with a baby in a stroller? It might be a family that's moved in up the street. Maybe they're folks from out of the neighborhood who are visiting the park and had a bit of car trouble or need a glass of water. Lay aside this modern urban suspicion of strangers, and embrace the fellowship of man!"

Well, it turns out that &%$#! Jehovah's Witnesses solicit with a baby in a stroller. And rather than have the guts to lay my cards on the table and say, "Listen guys, you've gotta understand that I'm basically going to hell and you would probably achieve better results proselytizing at the fire hydrant over there," I let them give me a copy of The Watchtower and depart. Which means they'll be back. Crap.

And while I'm still sitting here wondering what to do with my newly acquired pamphlet explaining why Global Warming is evidence of the approaching Biblical End of Days, the doorbell rings. A quick peephole check reveals two earnest-looking men in suits.

And you know what? The fellowship of man can stuff it. I'm not answering that door.
23rd-Aug-2008 06:09 pm (UTC)
And while I'm still sitting here wondering what to do with my newly acquired pamphlet explaining why Global Warming is evidence of the approaching Biblical End of Days,

Poke holes in its faulty logic until your sides hurt from lulz?

And while religious types have the freedom to go door-to-door selling their wares like Avon salespeeps, you do indeed have the right to say no. It's your spiritual life, for goodness' sakes.

Mormons at the gate? Halp.
24th-Aug-2008 06:27 pm (UTC)
Poking holes in its logic is proving fun - although a large part of it consists of an article on corn cultivation that appears to have very little relevance to either global warming or religion. It's nice to know that even Jehovah's Witnesses go through the, "Oh crap! We go to press tomorrow and I've got a 400-word gap to fill!" syndrome.

The thing about these encounters that gets me is that I know that a polite-but-firm "No thanks" is definitely the way to go. But once in a while, I seem to be seized by some latent fear of confrontation, which leads me to adopt the take-the-literature-and-hope-they'll-leave quickly approach.
23rd-Aug-2008 07:21 pm (UTC)
The FBI isn't going to be very happy with you.
24th-Aug-2008 06:28 pm (UTC)
Hah! In my admittedly limited experience, Federal officers who want to talk to me have the good grace to phone first.
23rd-Aug-2008 07:25 pm (UTC)
You need a huge, huge poster of Baphomet on your front door. And perhaps the piked head of a Jehovah's witness.
24th-Aug-2008 06:30 pm (UTC)
I have thought of putting up a sign reading, "I'm happy with my religion, I know who I'm voting for in November, and if I need carpet cleaning services, I check the Internet. Do you still wanna ring that bell?"
24th-Aug-2008 06:32 pm (UTC)
they so will. Tell them you already heard the good news and you were kinda "meh".
24th-Aug-2008 10:40 pm (UTC)
missysedai has a doormat that says "GO AWAY". I'm thinking of emulating her.
23rd-Aug-2008 07:28 pm (UTC)
rysmiel says that in Dublin the Catholics tend to go out in teams of a smiling young woman and baby (carrot) and a grumpy middle-aged man (stick).
24th-Aug-2008 06:38 pm (UTC)
I was going to wonder how they ensured a constant supply of women with sufficiently young children, and then I realized...
23rd-Aug-2008 11:42 pm (UTC)
When I still lived in Kansas, the Witnesses were always showing up at the door using their children as human shields.

Here in London, I haven't had any come round with children. Since our door-phone is working again, I don't go downstairs to the door now. I simply say, "No, but thanks anyway. And I hope you're not walking around this area all alone."

Haven't had a visit from any lately...
24th-Aug-2008 06:40 pm (UTC)
And I hope you're not walking around this area all alone.

That is rather brilliant.
16th-Sep-2008 03:39 am (UTC)
I thought for a minute maybe it was Sarah Palin and baby, whether with her husband or John McCain would almost be irrelevant. But I guess the timing would have been off....
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